New Years Resolution

It's that time of year again—time to make changes and improvements on the past year. For parents, that might sound like this:

No more frozen dinners; get out the door on time; never yell at my kids; be the perfect parent! 

The list is long, and the pressure is on. 

The good news is that your children don't need you to be perfect and never make mistakes. On the contrary, when you make mistakes in front of your children and own up to them, your children benefit from seeing you are human. It gives them a model for making mistakes, taking responsibility, learning, and growing. 

Children don't need perfection. They need your presence. In their book, The Power of Showing Up, Daniel Siegal and Tina Payne Bryson explain that children who form secure attachments with their caregivers lead happier and more fulfilling lives. Isn't that the ultimate goal for parents? 

Sometimes life gets in the way when we try to show up for our kids. Even when we are doing our best to meet our own needs and stay present and grounded, we end up doing something that ruptures our relationship with our children. 

Rebecca Lyddon, Director of Education for the Jai Institute for Parenting, has created a Recipe for Repair for those times when we respond in ways that cause disconnection in our relationships.

Recipe for Repair

Connect - This first step is essential because the rupture probably caused your child to feel disconnected and unsafe. The goal is to gain trust again.   

Consent - In this step, asking for consent is an excellent way to model respect. For example, it might sound like this; I wasn't happy with how I reacted this morning. Is this a good time to talk?

I imagine your feeling_______.  We use empathy guesses to get to the heart of our child's experience. 

Because of my choice to________.  Admitting our part in the conflict is a gift to our children. 

I regret how I____________ because it caused you to_____________. In this step, we model taking responsibility and show our children we understand how our actions affect them.

In the future, I'll do my best to_________.  Here we make a plan to solve the problem. We make a commitment to growth rather than continuing a harmful cycle. 

For now, would it support you if________________?  This step is an opportunity to listen to your child and explore ways to meet their need. 

Scenario: You are rushing around in the morning to get to school and work. Your child is still playing after you have asked them to get dressed; you get angry and yell at them to hurry up. They are hurt/scared/frustrated. This scene is different from how you want to start your day. 

After everyone is calm, the conversation might look like this: 

Hey Buddy, what are you doing? Can I sit down with you? First, I want to apologize for what happened earlier today. Are you open to that? Okay, thank you. I imagine you might be confused about what happened this morning because I became very stressed and yelled at you. I wish I hadn't lost control because you looked scared when I yelled. We were hoping for a smooth morning, but it became very tense. Next time, I will give myself more time to prepare so I am not rushing. That will help me stay calm. For now, is it okay to give you a big hug? 

After repairing in this meaningful way, it is much easier to brainstorm and collaborate ways for your child to manage their time better. 

Connection over perfection is the goal for the New Year. We can ease the pressure by letting go of the idea that our children need the perfect parent. Instead, authentic connection benefits our children in profound, lasting ways. 

For more ideas for building an authentic connection with your children, becoming an empowered parent where all family member’s needs are met, and support with parenting struggles, reach me at www.gratefulparenting.org